April 21, 2008 - Who's in charge here????

It was 10:30 on a cool Wednesday morning. And I found myself literally surrounded by 30 kids aged 3-4 years old. My wife and I had just finished attending an activity for my grandaughter at her Montessori school. We were invited to stay for a snack, and see what her classroom looked like. I had never been exposed to a Motessori school, and was curious to see what all of the hubub was about regarding their effectiveness. Plus free food is hard to pass up, especially when my stomach is grumbling. Any excuse will do....right???

We had finished eating and  were cleaning up, and throwing our paper plates in the trash when I heard some kids yelling behind me. As I turned around I saw (5) kids running. The kid in front was holding a toy close to their body. And the second child was also holding onto this object. Lined up like airplanes behind number 2 kid, were 3 other kids. All of them screaming, and yelling about somebody not sharing something. Then one of the kids yelled to a teacher and said "Susy won't let us play with the truck".

I was mentally rubbing my hands together and I thought to myself, "this ought to be good".  "They are going to need a big time-out section for all of these offenders.

I took a couple of step forward so that I could hear what the teacher was saying. Now I was grinning like a Cheshire Cat, anxious to see how she handled a situation where she was obviously outnumbered by a big margin.

As the teacher opened her mouth, I was expecting a lecture on proper behaviour. Much to my surprise, in a relaxed easy manner she asked the child who had told on Susy  "Nichole, who are you in charge of"? It was almost like the teacher had flipped the "argument swith" to off. Because Nichole replied " I am in chage of myself". At that exact moment all of the kids went off in five different directions. Just like oil separating when  soap is dropped on it.

The next sound I heard was my jaw hitting the floor. I was flabegasted, and speechless. Having nothing to say doesn't happen often, in my little world. I couldn't believe what I had just witnessed. There was no arguement, no backtalk, nobody was trying to negotiate, and justify their behaviour. The toy "stand-off" had ended as quickly as it started. End of story.

Having experienced trouble with watching small kids I was eager to find out the secret this teacher had used on five of these hoodlums at one time. I was sure the kids had been put under some magical spell, or she had used some form of kiddie hypnosis, or had blatantly bribed these kids with some sort of secret hand signal.

I approached the teacher with awe, and respect, and asked her "what just happened"? She replied, "what do you mean"?  "I just saw you break up a fight with a question and six words, or are my eyes deceiving me" ?I questioned her.

To summarize a long answer, she explained that Montessori schools teach kids to settle things amongst themselves, and make their own decisions. The kids are empowered to take care of situation like this. 
By having the kids focus on being in charge of themmselves and their actions, the teachers have found that kids are more likely to take responsibilty, for themselves. Versus blaming others, or pointing the finger, like they had nothing to do with a situation.

There is less crying, and name calling for the kids, and less stress for the staff. Instead of being a referee to a bunch of small children. Which almost like trying to herd cats. The teachers can concentrate on their specialty, which is teaching.  The end result is the teachers are creating an environment which is perfect for learning. And the kids learn a foundational and valuable life skill.

I have already started to apply this question in my own life. For example the other day, one of my grandkids came up to me and told me that his brother was touching something that he wasn't allowed to. Since I have started using this technique, I asked him who he was in charge of. He tried like crazy to skirt the question. So I will give him an "A" for effort.

When I repeated the question, he sheepishly answered "me". To which I replied with another question. "And what does that mean to you" We had a brief conversation where he concluded that it was really none of his business. The key result was he came to his own conclusion. The difference being, I didn't tell him. He was able to make his own decision, and the the situation was over within a couple of minutes.

May I suggest using this question and technique in your own life, and watch your child empower themselves. In other words they can start to think for themselves. In short time this will become habitual, and the way they live their life. That can only be a benefit in my book.

 

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